Whirlwind

I’ve either never seen this verse or I’m reading it with different eyes:

“Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.” - Job‬ ‭13‬:‭15‬ ‭ESV‬‬

What a weird combination of statements. 

Though he slay me, I will hope in him.

It’s hard to imagine my hope in God being so strong that not even His decision to end me could shake it. You need to submit to the entire, hidden will of God to believe that. You need to trust that His plan is good even if you don’t play the part you wanted, or even if you were cut from the plot altogether.

I’ve uttered “if it’s your will” in many prayers, but I think I've often said it hoping God will notice my humility and reward me for it. It can be a sleight of hand I don’t even realize I’m playing sometimes. It’s my will I want, but maybe if I pray the right way, He won’t notice the difference.

… yet I will argue my ways to his face.

Job can somehow mean what he says in the first half of that verse and still press into God with a reverent boldness in what follows. He is so adamant of his innocence, but still very aware of the sovereign force he’s approaching:

Only grant me two things, then I will not hide myself from your face: withdraw your hand far from me, and let not dread of you terrify me. Then call, and I will answer; or let me speak, and you reply to me. - Job‬ ‭13‬:‭20‬-‭22‬

It’s very different from the times I’ve been assertive with God. Mine have been one-sided, filled with less reverence and more rage, like a brooding child. Job’s boldness at least seems justified — the man was “blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil” (1:1). I think I’m usually just pissed and frantic. 

I know God’s able to bear the full gamut of my emotion and that I won’t be turned away from bringing it to Him. But I do wonder if I’m missing out on something by only using Him as a spiritual punching bag. 

Job lost it in an emotional whirlwind before God showed up in one, but he eventually shut up and touched grass — “I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes” (42‬:‭6‬).

I haven’t suffered anything close to what Job did, and I can’t stand up to his integrity and righteousness. But I hope I’m not standing right in front of a whirlwind and just too dumb to hear God speaking from it. Thinking about it makes me want to brace myself for whatever He might do next to get my attention.