On Having Already Failed

I’m reading John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress for the first time. Everything in that book is relatable, but there are certain scenes hitting harder than I expected. One of them is Christian’s encounter with Apollyon on the way to the Celestial City. Apollyon is an ugly, evil creature bent on stopping Christian from reaching his destination. As prince of the City of Destruction, he also had authority over Christian until he chose to leave.

Apollyon tries to persuade Christian to turn back with a couple different tricks. He insists that most followers of Christ — this new prince Christian is pursuing — eventually “give him the slip” and abandon the journey. He attempts to scare Christian by reminding him that many on this same path have met shameful deaths, whereas he could give Christian the world if he only chose to turn back and serve him once again.

Christian’s resolve is firm. He resists Apollyon with apparent ease, reaffirming this newfound allegiance to a different kingdom.

The part that sticks with me is Apollyon’s next play:

Apollyon: Thou hast already been unfaithful in thy service to him; and how dost thou think to receive wages of him?

Christian: Wherein, O Apollyon! have I been unfaithful to him?

Apollyon: Thou didst faint at first setting out, when thou wast almost choked in the Gulf of Despond; thou didst attempt wrong ways to be rid of thy burden, whereas thou shouldst have stayed till thy Prince had taken it off; thou didst sinfully sleep and lose thy choice thing; thou wast, also, almost persuaded to go back at the sight of the lions; and when thou talkest of thy journey, and of what thou hast heard and seen, thou art inwardly desirous of vain-glory in all that thou sayest or doest.

TL;DR: You've already screwed this up. And your motivations aren’t as pure as you think they are anyway.

I think these accusations strike me because I know how devastating they can be when you already feel so close to giving in, whether it’s a holy journey like Christian’s or anything else I’m seeking.

There have been things I’ve tried to change about myself or grow in over the years that’ve been very difficult. Sometimes I’ve been convinced the effort is entirely impossible. But other times, it’s seemed like I’ve been given just enough grace to finally start turning the ship around.

Those moments of optimism don’t come often. And when they do, being told it isn’t real, or that my motivation to keep trying is *actually* something ugly and unworthy is inexpressibly deflating.

I think sowing seeds of self-doubt in a person like that is one of the most effective ways to send them into a psychological tailspin. Eventually, you can’t even make straight of what you think is possible or what you actually believe anymore. It can make your head spin so hard that the only thing you’re left to be sure of is that any additional step is a waste of time. When all is said & done, you don’t end up back at square one. It’s like you’re not even on the board anymore. Makes sense why this is the demon’s last-ditch effort with Christian.

Christian’s response to Apollyon is a lot more mature than mine would be.

All this is true, and much more which thou hast left out; but the Prince whom I serve and honour is merciful, and ready to forgive; but, besides, these infirmities possessed me in thy country, for there I sucked them in; and I have groaned under them, been sorry for them, and have obtained pardon of my Prince.

This guy has so deeply rooted in him the truth that there is no condemnation for those who follow this new prince. There is no set number of lives you get before His mercy is exhausted. To see Christian so boldly spit that back in the face of this creature is nuts to me. I’m envious of it.

It takes a minute, but when I try to fixate on these truths about this good prince, it does at least seem harder to get stuck in the scorn of anyone reminding you you’ve already failed. The closer you get to this prince, the more of your peripheral He occupies, I suppose. It leaves less room for those accusations to take root.

The other weird thing about what Christian says is that there’s no denial from him. He has failed. He likely was driven by “vain-glory” at some point along the way. But those facts only matter back in the City of Destruction, where the faults were learned to begin with. Celestial City is where you go to get rid of those burdens. It’d be stupid to turn back now. A reasonable person would only pick up the pace.

When I think of it like that, the only thing left to feel shameful about is the fact that I was ever tripped up by such a silly scheme to begin with.