Helpful Guidelines for Posting on LinkedIn

I’ve been observing some of the posting trends on here and it’s clear we could benefit from a few guidelines. You might think I’m unqualified to give them. But the facts suggest otherwise:

• I won $25 in cold, hard, American cash by winning second place in a community essay contest when I was 12. That’s before most public schoolers learn how to read these days.
• I have accumulated 10s of followers on Twitter over the past decade without paying most of them.
• I’ve gotten into dozens of heated Facebook debates over the years and I’ve definitely won every one of them without exception.

Needless to say, it’s in your best interest to take these seriously. Some of these may shock you. That’s OK. It’s the feeling of conviction. And conviction breeds growth. Here they are:

1. Make sure you’ve got a good grip on the concept of a “paragraph” before writing anything. When every sentence is followed by a line break, it feels like I’m reading a torturous block of terms & conditions. Adding all that space doesn’t bring clarity. It makes my thumb sore.
2. Don’t you dare include a selfie. If you think you can get an exception by shedding tears in that selfie, you’re too far gone and it may be time to delete your account.
3. There’s no need to end your posts with a footnote introducing yourself. We can see your name and headline on the post. I promise that’s enough.
4. Serious use of certain emojis are off-limits. They include 💪, 🔥, and 🚀. It’s fine to use them sarcastically, however.
5. Everyone is a “lover of dad jokes”. It’s like a Democrat saying he’s really into half-baked pseudoscience. Just another tautology.
6. Make sure you’re really, really clear on number 2.
7. Resist the urge to turn every tragedy in your life into a profound tale of wisdom. It often feels shoehorned (even conceited) and risks dishonoring the tragedy.
8. That “unpopular opinion” is probably something everyone already agrees with.
9. If your post reads like slam poetry, consider publishing it on Tumblr instead of LinkedIn.
10. No one’s more likely to share one of your own quotes if you post an image of it looking like a screenshot from Twitter.
11. It’s impossible to build a “meaningful, authentic relationship” by sending connection requests to everyone who commented on a “Social Saturday” post and then forgetting they exist. If you want some good friends, start by going to church.
12. Go ahead and put that link to your blog in your post. Sticking it in a comment just signals your submission to the will of the algorithm. If we all cut that nonsense, it’ll change.
13. We don’t need an emoji legend instructing us how to respond in the comments. It’s obvious what you’re really interested in, ya stinker.

Take these to heart, walk by them, and let me know if I’ve left anything out. Get out there & crush it, LinkedIn fam!

14.   Never use the phrase "LinkedIn fam."

Alex 💪🔥🚀